26 june 2008
05:33 pm 
home, kitchen mood: 
hopeful
So i figured that it would be a good idea to tell you guys about what happened with my health and let you know that I'm fine ♥ ♥
So we went to the doctors, and she looked over my results - and then told me for sure that I did not have diabetes. The reason that my glucose was so high was because they made me drink something that would have worked with a normal person's system, but didn't with mine.
The reason that it didn't work was because I'm something called "insulin resistant" or that I have "metabolic syndrome". Wiki has a pretty concise explanation if you look those terms up.
So, pretty much, all the people that have done blood tests of me in previous years and just ignored my super high insulin levels could have kept me from so much agony just by telling me that I wasn't just fat, that I was actually had something that prevented me from losing the weight.
So what we came up with, my wonderful doctor and I (her name is Makiko Ogino and we speak Japanese in my visits sometimes, which is super fun), is that I should diet and exercise with the help of:
Alli!
The website says that it works this way:
"The active ingredient in alli attaches to some of the natural enzymes in the digestive system, preventing them from breaking down about a quarter of the fat you eat. Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally."
But I can't just eat myself to death, and eat whatever I want without the consequences. I have to eat a low-fat diet and watch my caloric, carb, fat, and sodium intake. I keep track of what I eat online, and it tells me how many calories and other things I have left to eat. It works well for me, because I don't eat a lot as it is, and this really made me look at what I eat.
For example, like, a packet of Ramen - that's one meal for me, I can't eat anything else. It sucks, but at the same time it really makes you look at what you're eating. My mom is doing it with me, because we both want to lose weight, so it really helps to have someone doing it with me ...
So I'm okay, I'm not diabetic, but at least I have a name for what's wrong with me :D
I know that a long time ago I promised people pictures of my house and my room and stuff, and I finally took some and transferred them to my computer!
My little dog, Sadie.
My big dog, Sarah.
A tour of my room from the door, to show you how much stuff I ended up bringing home - keep in mind that half of it was already put away at this point ...
the view from my corner desk:
And then, my mom has a nice flower garden - so I took some pictures of the lilies that she has managed to grow.
26 june 2008
08:59 am home, room mood: 
sad
so i went to my doctor's last thursday.
she made me go for blood tests the next day, to see whether I have PCOS (which i thought I did) diabetes ... lots of stuff.
got my results back yesterday.
my insulin levels were 200 - normal people are supposed to be at about 17. which means that I might be insulin resistant.
but my glucose levels were also super high - which means i might have type II diabetes.
so tomorrow, i'm going to see her again, to see what she thinks we should do ...
being insulin resistant would explain a lot of things - my weight, my acne, my skin problems, the PCOS-like symptoms ... but we'll see.
so i won't be very active for a while.
18 june 2008
08:01 pm home, room mood: 
irate
THIS RANT POST LA!
no seriously, it's all rant, confirm next post = happy.
promise promise.
i am not all fart and no shit ...
anyway.
people are so blur like fuck lately, let me tell you reasons.
number one
i am so sick of people telling me that i am fat.
not cool not cool.
i know i am, shut up.
don't kau peh, la.
nag nag nag
that's all i hear about it hor, don't tell me that ...
not an effing idiot.
i have a fucking disease that makes me unable to lose weight.
you go criticize someone with diabetes la?
they can't help it, unless they ate themselves to it.
i inherit what i have, not my fault.
number two
sick of people telling me to find job also.
looking for one confirm and guarantee, all the time!
you try finding job in economic recession.
i tell you damn chor lor, man!
not cool that all i hear is "get job"
wah lau, it makes me damn tired li dat.
my old job is dumb, didn't take me back ...
fucking liars, confirm.
told me for sure i would come back,
and look - i'm not, still looking for another job!
cannot make $$$ on blogging in US.
number three
GOT CHEATED OUT OF $34 BY PHONE SELLER!!!!!
got phone ...
overjoyed!
get setup ...
CANNOT USE PHONE EARPIECE!!!!
doesn't work!!!!
must use stupid yuppie earbud to hear conversations
i email seller ...
say that was FINE WHEN SENT, cannot refund!
KAN NI NA BU CHAO CH**BYE!!!!!!!!!!!
bullshit bullshit.
and then i go to talk to my mom, ask if borrow a tray table so that i could type ...
because my desk is full of shit, from move out ...
say no.
'dad will have a fit.'
WHY FIT LA?
'because you have a desk.'
DESK HAS COMPUTER, BOOKS, PENS ON!
'he'll tell you to clean it, otherwise i'd let you take one.'
FUCK LA!
not fair ....
he rules this house, no leeway at all.
everything is HIS RULES, NOTHING ELSE.
it's not fair.
fucking hope he dies, we get insurance money ...
need death to be slow and painful, don't have to put up with him anymore.
fucking bastard, only good thing he ever gave me was a bed to sleep in.
otherwise, gave nothing ...
doesn't even want to help pay for my education.
he's so bakero, gonna show him up someday.
i feel better after rant la.
anyway, promise that next entry = pic spam.
23 may 2008
08:51 pm dorm mood: 
calm
tomorrow, college is over.
tomorrow, i move out.
tomorrow, i move back home.
tomorrow, i lose my freedom.
tomorrow, i return to my cage.
tomorrow, i return to my tormentor.
tomorrow, i will miss people.
tomorrow, a new chapter will begin.
tomorrow, a new life beings.
tomorrow, i'm done with things.
tomorrow, i come clean.
tomorrow, i will conquer.
tomorrow, i will fall.
tomorrow, i will miss and be missed.
tomorrow, i will cry.
tomorrow, i will laugh.
tomorrow, i will smile.
tomorrow, things will not get the better of me.
i am tomorrow.
23 may 2008
11:45 pm dorm mood: 
pessimistic
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
i hate my life right now.
hate
undying
hate
right
fucking
now.
15 may 2008
12:59 am dorm mood: 
restless
argghhhh
argghhhhhhh
that's about how I feel right now, I'm so WORN. OUT.
university is totally ... kicking my ass. I should be doing 2 sections of math work but eh.
I can do it later.
I think I want to make a new layout for this blog. I love D'espa, don't get me wrong ...
but I need something BRIGHT
and
HAPPY
wheeee happy.
(oh man this show I'm watching is a rerun D: time to turn off the TV and put on some music.)
-sings-
You waste time like a grandfather clockkkkk
THIS WAS AT MY COLLEGE~~~~~~~~~
THE UNION, REPRESENTTTT~ The Union @ NCC
So this is the live version, i have a different perspective of this recording because I was right in front at an angle in front of the keyboardist :D
<3
I have decided that once my hair grows out, I'm going to get an "emo cut" but not really - just a little. so that I can wear skinny little headbands and poof my hair out. yeah. you know.
anyway.
i have no motivation to do anything that might result in good things. You know what I mean?
I just have no ... oomph.
yeah.
that's the word.
oomph.
I'm not really apathetic, not yet, anyway.
i just can't wait for tomorrow afternoon to come around - and not have classes or anything to worry about until MONDAY.
that's what I need.
i need this weekend laxity to arrive, and arrive fast.
I have some new pictures for you guys.
but uh
yeah, I'm kind of ... not up to putting them online until I can steal wireless internet from naperville tomorrow, because just my luck, i'd go over the effing bandwidth using my dorm internets ... ew.
i feel like things are just not going my way lately.
i pretty much got told by the one guy i love (taka, if you've been keeping track) that he can't really be with me.
ever. even though he loves me, he doesn't want his parents to be like "oh you're dating a white girl D<" so uh yeah. and he's worried that his job'll find out, and that'll be hell for him, i know. so uh yeah. and he also told me that even though he'll be in japan when I'm there, he's not going to be able to see me, because of his job and his friends et cetera et cetera. so my heart's crushed and i've been eating my way through all the food in my dorm because I'm all depressed. fucking men.
whatever. and the friends that I have in japan aren't going to be able to see me for the same reasons, because they're in the entertainment industry and they don't know where they'll be ... even Okan said that he probably wouldn't (read: can't) see me while I was there. goddamn all are my friends secretly douchebags?
argh.
i'm going to go make a new layout for this to make myself feel better.
01 may 2008
12:08 pm dorm mood: 
bouncy
it's been raining like an SOB for the past couple of days, and it's finally ceased raining. now, though, it's hot and kind of humid. hurray. may 1st, and it's hot and humid. boo. i don't like humid.
well, what's been going on in my life lately ... hmm.
i have another speech on Wednesday, and I think it's going to be all right. It's a "visual aid" speech, so at least I have that going for me. This speech is going to be:
"To inform my audience about modern trends in American tattooing."
I'm going to focus on Oriental, text-based, and tribal tattoos.
I've found a lot of shit on it, so I should do all right. well, that's what I think, at least :3
Japanese is going swimmingly. I'm doing well on the exams, and the material is being ingrained into my memory.
Math. Math is math. I have an exam on Friday, I should do all right. It's on factorials and whatnot, so at least I know that ... we'll see, though, like I said. It all depends on how it goes. I'm more comfortable with this material than I was with the last bunch, so hopefully I won't bomb out and get screwed.
and my fake english course, well. it's a fake english course, how can you go wrong?
I GOT TO CHOOSE MY COURSES FOR NEXT YEAR!!
Not including those for study abroad :D
Here's what I want to take:
Winter Term
SOA 205 - Intro to Physical Anthropology
REL 315 - Buddhism
JPN 202 - Intermediate Japanese II
HST 263 - Japanese History
Spring Term
REL 265 - Religions of Japan
JPN 203 - Intermediate Japanese III
EAS 292 - Topics in Japanese Culture
Hopefully I'll get in :3 I can't register until the 8th of May, though. Hopefully all the slots won't get taken~~~!
If they are - I don't know what I'll do D:
I'll get waitlisted, and THEN I'll have to go to the class and try to get in. There is a jumbo of the SOA class - 6pm to 10pm in spring term - so if I can't get in the class winter, I'll try for spring :D
All of my classes for fall term will be chosen while I'm at a study abroad orientation, and those are set - Japanese 201, Chinese 101, Global Study Seminar, and Topics in Japanese and Chinese Culture. I'm not looking forward to the GSS course, because it's going to be about business blah blah blah and I really don't care about business. Haha.
ANYway.
I think we're going to go eat lunch soon. I think I'll update again more about things ... later.
25 april 2008
09:41 pm dorm mood: 
apathetic
okay so mostly i am posting a new entry just to get the last crack one down an entry.
lame.
i keep having ideas for layouts, confirm they suck, throw out.
start again.
confirm suck. throw out.
start again.
confirm suck. throw out.
start again.
repeat.
so i just sit here drinking my bastardized french vanilla milk, being angry.
because my designs just aren't good enough for me right now.
got one good header out of ... three hours of work.
yeah.
INFURIATING NOT YOU TELL ME!
fucking angry la, does not make sense ...
i am a good designer, usually, but now it seems my skills are LACKING and do not want.
To top it all off, it's raining like a shit here, blowing so hard it's taking my posters off the wall even with the window open less >1cm. what is this. the world is conspiring against me.
anddd
i skipped two classes today.
speech @ 8am, skip, because the people above me did not go to bed until like 3am and they kept me up.
IDS @ 120pm, skip, just didn't want to go.
i can skip whenever i please, ppl bitch bitch bitch whatever, i don't care la.
the only good thing lately is that ...
i bought a dress.
cannot show, lost my camera. again.
will show once found.
i'm going to go write now.
not that anyone cares.
no one reads it.
edit
i've just now realized 15 minutes after writing this, i am such a pity party today.
i deserve it.
i don't know why.
just do.
with lyrics.
Maria by 김아중 (미녀는 괴로워 O.S.T)
자 지금 시작해
Ja jigeum sijaghae조금씩 뜨겁게 우~ 두려워하지마
Jogeumssik ddeugeobge u~ dulyeoweohajima펼쳐진 눈앞에 저 태양이 길을 비춰 으 절대 멈추지마
Pyeolchyeojin nunape jeo taeyangi gireul bichweo eu jeoldae meomchujimaMaria Ave Maria
저 흰구름 끝까지 날아
Jeo huingureum ggeutggaji nalaMaria Ave Maria
거친 파도따윈 상관없이
Geochin padottawin sanggwaneobsi기적은 이렇게
Gijeokeun ireohge니 눈앞에 펼쳐있어 우~ 절대 멈추지마
Ni nunape pyeolchyeoisseo u~ jeoldae meomchujimaMaria Ave Maria
저 흰구름 끝까지 날아
Jeo huingureum ggeutggaji nalaMaria Ave Maria
거친 파도따윈 상관없이
Geochin padottawin sanggwaneobsiMaria~
멈춰버린 심장전체가
Meomchweobeorin simjangjeonchega걷잡을 수 없이 뛰어와
Geotjapeul su eobsi ttwieowaMaria Ave Maria
저 흰구름 끝까지 날아
Jeo huingureum ggeutggaji nalaMaria Ave Maria
거친 파도따윈 상관없이
Geochin padottawin sanggwaneobsiMaria Ave Maria
저 흰구름 끝까지 날아
Jeo huingureum ggeutggaji nalaMaria Ave Maria
거친 파도따윈 상관없이
Geochin padottawin sanggwaneobsiMaria Ave Maria
거친 파도따윈 상관없이
Geochin padottawin sanggwaneobsi
20 april 2008
07:08 pm dorm mood: 
amused
All I have to say:
Astronaut 1: It never gets old, huh?
Astronaut 2: Nope.
Astronaut 1: It kinda makes you wanna -
Astronaut 2: Break into song?
Astronaut 1: Yep.
I love the mountains
I love the clear blue skies
I love big bridges
I love when great whites fly
I love the whole world
And all it's sights and sounds
Boom di ah dah
Boom di ah dah
Boom di ah dah
Boom di ah dah
I love the ocean
I love real dirty things
I love to go fast
I love Egyptian kings
I love the whole world
And all it's craziness
Boom di ah dah
Boom di ah dah
Boom di ah dah
Boom di ah dah
I love tornadoes
I love arachnids
I love hot magma
I love the giant squids
I love the whole world
It's such a brilliant place
Boom di ah dah
Boom di ah dah
Boom di ah dah
Boom di ah dah
WATCH IT. NOW.
God, I love the Discovery Channel.
15 april 2008
08:36 pm dorm mood: 
ecstatic
oh godddddd i have missed posting.
i had no computer this weekend (because I went home, and for some reason my desktop has no internets?) and I have also been REALLY FUCKING BUSY for some reason! what the hell, real life, you're keeping me from my online life. goddammit.
aaaaaanyway.
i have been writing papers, and papers, and doing japanese work, and reading depressing books for class, and joining ... BLOG CREWS~! i love blog crews :D
and writing. but, i am always writing, i never stop ... I had another idea for a writing piece, but no one ever reads what I write so I don't know if it's worth it.
this journal also needs a new layout. I think I'll do that once I'm finished here ... writing out this entry.
OMG OMG OMG OMG
-fangirls-
DO YOU KNOW WHAT STARTS TONIGHT?
DEADLIEST CATCH STARTS TONIGHT BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED
I MIGHT PEE MYSELF
i love that show. I have such loyalty to the boats~
THE NORTHWESTERN IS MY FAVORITE!
The F/V Northwestern
omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg
you have no idea ...
i love Sig
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
if he wasn't old and married ...
yeah.
my next favorite boat happens to be the Cornelia Marie
(F/V Cornelia Marie)
because Phil (the captain) is such a DOUCHEBAG and I think that's why I love him, he tells it like it is no matter who he's talking to ... yeah, he's pretty effing amazing.
and then the Time Bandit
(F/V Time Bandit)
because Johnathan is pretty amazing as well~~~
OMFG.
I LOVE THEM.
an excerpt from my newspaper article:
All this exposure has made unlikely heroes of some of the fishermen, especially a few of the captains: Sig Hansen of the Northwestern, who has the brooding, blond appeal of an aging Norwegian rock singer; Johnathan Hillstrand of the Time Bandit, who cultivates a sort of biker look: mullet, backward baseball cap, leather USA jacket and ostrich-skin cowboy boots; and the Cornelia Marie's skipper, Phil Harris, gravelly voiced, tattooed and irascible.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
oh i love their description of Sig.
original here.
yeahhhhhh.
i am very obsessed with this show ... i love it.
if i wasn't a chick, and so crippled, i would try and crab.
but - i am both of those things, so.
and i told my mom about some shirts on the Northwestern site - especially one that says "SHUT UP AND FISH" in big letters on the back (it's one of Sig's famous phrases) and she hinted that she might buy it for me ... I would be in HOG HEAVEN. HOG. FUCKING. HEAVEN.
-sighs-
okay, fangirling over.
uhhhhh I should go write my speech before changing the layout.
yeahhhhh I really should.
end of entry ♥
02 april 2008
08:36 pm dorm mood: 
jubilant
the phrase "he's a douchebag" has pretty much ... described my week so far. :D hooray for failure!
i failed to cement my place on relationships with this guy that likes me, and now he thinks that i would consider going out with him ... not true not true! won't even contemplate it, let me tell you, i want nothing to do with him romantically. he's pretty ... undateable, actually.
like, one of those guys that's all right to be friends with, but - to date? no way, not happening, never will. i don't lead him on but he still like ... tries to get with me, which is why i am here in IL and he is a couple states away :D he can't get to meeeee. maybe i'll change my address ... yeah.
(not really, for those of you that have my address - i'm just being a shit.)
omgggg my friends and i are planning on going swimming at the campus pool at 9, but it seems to be taking fucking forever to come! (it's about 830 right now) and we're all like "SWIMMINGGGGGGGG" because we're all trying to get fit and lose weight, so Monday, Wednesday, Thursday we're swimming, and Tuesday we're doing Taebo. Oh and thursday we're also doing whatever video Shannon (another person in my dorm) can come up with .........
900 cannot come quick enough. I am like ... desperate for physical activity, and to lose weight. and, the way we're doing it, we have the weekend 'off' but, normally, we're out doing things, so it doesn't really matter anyway, haha!!
it's also actually been a little bit warm here - it's going to be 50-ish all week long, hooray~! i really miss spring and summer, i can't wait until they're here in FULL SWING BEBEH~
not that you guys need to know this, but
i'm still kind of lonely relationship-wise ... i need someone to talk to and love, constantly -needy-
but
idk
i just like having someone to snuggle with ♥
29 march 2008
11:41 pm dorm mood: 
chipper
ahahaha.
i lied about updating quickly. -fail-
anyway, it's the weekend, and the first week of classes is over.
let me give you an overview of how things went, in general ...
speech
speech is pretty awesome. i get to chose the topic i want to speak about all term, and i chose tattoos ... which i am quite into, so i should be able to give two informative speeches and one persuasive about them. my professor, dr. berkland, is fucking FUNNY. i love her - she knows that we really don't care about speech so she's giving us a lot of slack about things :D
japanese
same stuff as awesome, more kanji. no different than normal.
IDS
WELL APPARENTLY i should have an in-depth knowledge of the Bible to take this course ... it's about "humans and suffering" but we're talking about the bible right now (job in particular) and I HAVE NO EFFING IDEA WHAT IT'S ABOUT, MAN! No idea. we are reading some good books later on though. Dr. Mueller, the biblical studies professor, is interesting but i think that because he knows all about the bible he just assumes that we have the same knowledge ... LIES! Dr. King, the english professor, is pretty funny and knows about as much as i do about the bible, haha.
math
OH DR. GAO~
she is VERY MUCH CHINESE, and has a very thick accent that is a little difficult to understand when you first meet her. she's very nice, though, and is very willing to help us whenever we don't understand something. i like that about her. she does, however, think that i am good at math because i have done very well in this first week (which happens to be mainly review, and i remember a lot of it haha.) we'll see what happens as the weeks go on ...
friends are still the same~
now that it's spring, though, we're going to be able to go out lot more and be less ... CABIN FEVERISH! that pleases me. we went on our first group outing today; we went to subway and then to Rotary Hill (the sledding hill about .5 miles from the campus) and had a picnic ... until the clouds covered the sun. then we came back and ate ice cream, and i've been sitting on the lounge couch since like 2 (and it's 11PM) lol.
and overall the homework load is all right, i only have to worry about 2 finals because there's only a final paper in IDS and a final speech in Speech ... lol.
i'm kind of at odds right now relationship-wise, and i kind of like it ... i don't want to post the details right now, because i don't know, but suffice to say i am happy and that's what really matters :D.
i have a lot of artistic energy as of now as well - i've re-coded 4 layouts and made 2 in the past 48 hours, which is a lot for me to do normally haha. that's a lot more than the past couple of months!!
um um um what else is new ...
my hair is growing out ... i have to find my camera, and then you can see how long it's getting~!
21 march 2008
08:59 pm home, kitchen mood: 
contemplative
okay, first for my little rant:
WHY GOD, WHY MUST YOU MAKE IT SNOW 7-12 INCHES IN CHICAGO? IT'S THE SECOND DAY OF SPRING, IT WAS 55F YESTERDAY!
I HATE SNOW.
i mean, seriously! it's coming down in sheets. i shit you not.
this is fucking ridiculous.
i was all ready for spring and summer - I even bought a new bathing suit for swimming!
BUT NO, IT'S SNOWING OUTSIDE.
what the hellll.
Mann, I hate Chicago at the best of times. It can't stay the same temperature for more than like, a week.
(hence the saying - "oh, you don't like the weather in chicago? wait a few minutes - it'll change.")
and the wind's picking up, too. it's got to be a bitch on the expressways ...
ah well, it's going to be over by tonight and I don't leave for college until uh, sunday.
(i hate my father. perfunctory remark, i'll tell you at the end of this post more about that ... i seem to hate him more and more as time goes on. oh well.)
ANYWAY to the main reason of this entry ...
wellll
i was out all day yesterday, hanging with my mom at the police department that she works at, just doing things in general, you know?
and she told me to go get the mail when i got home (because i was driving around)
so i did, because I like seeing the mail before my dad gets home so i can take what's mine before he gets to it
haha.
LO AND BEHOLD!
A PADDED ENVELOPE!
(with the addresses blurred out, i'm so tricky.)
and i was like "... hmm."
"this is from my ex."
"it's my RING!!"
SO,
i ripped it open.
this is what was in it, along with my ring:
if you can't read it:
Dear Reita,
(her pet name for me)
I don't care if you hate me for the rest of my life but please forgive me for jumping to conclusions and please know this ring deserves a better owner than me. May all your future loves accept my humblest, heartfelt blessings.
I am truly sorry.
......?
whut?
"jumping to conclusions"? omg i have no idea what she's going on about ...
so i wrote her a letter.
this about sums it up (all paraphrased, as i already posted it and i can't remember it word for word ...)
listen, i could never hate you. you're one of the people that i couldn't hate because of our history ... i can't say that I wasn't angry and hurt when i saw that ... i don't want to just forget about you, there's too much that was between us ... i would still like to be friends with you, and maybe when we're older and closer together we can talk about this, and then look back and laugh at how dumb we were.
and i pretty much left the decision open to her digression, because i would like to talk to her still, even if we can't be together. you know?
we'll see what happens ....
oh, here's my ring.
so that's that, and i don't know what's going to happen next with this. :3
and on to the rant about my father!
(who is currently snowblowing snow
INTO THE STREET.
which is really really really really illegal, haha.
i hope he gets arrested .......
anyway.
i was typing this up, and he comes down and is all like,
"would you mind helping me for a second?"
so i asked,
"doing what?"
and he was like,
"I ASKED YOU FOR HELP D<"
and i said (with a bit of attitude)
"I KNOW~ i said 'DOING WHAT', not 'WHAT.'"
and he didn't say anything for a moment, obviously reveling in his stupidity.
then said, "making the bed."
(my parents have a huggge king size foam mattress, and it weighs like 100lbs.)
so i did of course, but did he thank me?
no.
didn't even say a word to me while he was doing it ...
bastard.
i hope he gets hit by a truck while he's out there.
(if he does, my mom and i get like $150,000 in insurance HOORAY~!)
((but we haven't talked about killing him at all, oh no ... haha.))
lol lol lol lol lol
all the shit that he just snowblowed is now AGAIN covered in snow, because it's coming down like no other.
hahahaha
and people are honking at him while he works, because he's totally on the highway
(we live on the main highway.)
i'll have to take pictures and post them later, haha.
anyway, that's it.
i'll blog more once i'm back in the dorm, and i don't have to censor when i type these up :D
17 march 2008
08:59 pm home, kitchen mood: 
annoyed
so on saturday (3/15) for some reason, firefox was not loading ...
at all.
like it would not log me in to ANYTHING
and I just could not figure it out.
and then, opera was not loading, either ...
THEN
MSN AND AIM REFUSED TO WORK.
so i did the fancy "system restore" thing, and Opera worked.
BUT NOT FIREFOX
AND NOT MSN OR AIM.
(which, btw, talk to me on, i like talking to people)
So i restored to an earlier point ... like the middle of January.
and nothing happened D:
so i loaded FF onto my 320GB portable harddrive, and the same with opera.
then, opera worked FINE
but FF was still being a douche.
THEN
THEN
other programmes stopped working ...
So i had to re-install Vista onto my laptop, and get all my programmes back onto the damn thing.
I also still do not have Word 2007 on my computer ... it's driving me CRAZY.
BUT
I got SAFARI!
I love it~
It's like, iTunes-type layout, but it's soo awesome and loads so much quicker.
I'm not going to re-download FF, i have opera to code in.
(I can also always test on the lounge computers as well, haha.)
ah well, it's working quicker than normal, and i like that.
however, i need to get my tablet hooked back up haha.
i can't draw because i need to get all the software loaded back up.
OMG RANDOM FACEMARK!
(´∀`)_┳※･････････････････････････(;ﾟﾛﾟ)･･･････････
best facemark EVAR
family rant time
"blah blah blah blah"
that's pretty much all i hear from my father lately ...
like, i just stop listening ...
because all i hear is "blah blah blah"
and make this face at him behind his back:
o((＞ω＜o))((o＞ω＜))o
anyway.
like, yesterday, i was still fixing my computer
and he comes up to me, after dinner
and tells me to wash the dishes, even though my mom had told me not to ...
and i told him so, but he didn't care, told me to do them anyway.
so i said, 'yeah, let me finish this up'
and he said okay ...
but then, walked up to me like 4 minutes later,
'i told you to do the dishes! you haven't even started!'
and i said, 'well, i am nearly done, you said that i could finish'
and he nodded, and told me to hurry up ...
BUT THEN
CAME IN LIKE
A MINUTE LATER
SIGHING AND HUFFING AND SHIT
AND SAID LOUD AND OBNOXIOUSLY
'ANY TIME NOW!'
wtf, did you not just say that i could finish?
crazy fucking bastard.
anyway.
i don't have much else to say. I'm rather bored without tablet abilities ...
15 march 2008
08:59 pm home, kitchen mood: 
anger
well apparently, everything right now is my fault.
firefox and half of the other shit on my laptop is refusing to load,and my mom can't find the disk for it.
so, apparently, i took it to school with me (even though I KNOW that i didn't)
so until i find that, i don't want to be online.
fuck it, nothing ever goes right.
28 february 2008
03:39 pm home, kitchen mood: 
cheerful
so first off, I have a new hair style!
It's much more radical than previous ones ....
I went to a cancer benefit for one of my mom's workmates, Eric.
He has a rare form of bone cancer, and he had just had his foot amputated about two weeks earlier; they think that they caught it in time, but they still want to do the chemotherapy for him.
So, I made them a bet that they couldn't raise $500 for me to do what everyone else was doing ...
they did.
so here's what I look like now!
is this not fabulous? i think that it is.
lol.
so life!
life is hectic~
it's week 9 of 10, we have one more left ... there's still time to fuck shit up for my grades, but I don't think that I'm doing so bad <3
i'm working on one of my last biology projects, which is taking up most of my life right now. it's on eco-tourism, which is like countries preserving the rainforest by admitting tourists, and if it's good or not. it's boring, but simple ... lots of reading.
i'm single still, and my ring isn't back yet D:
we'll see what happens.
I went shopping today~
milk, cheese, monster, reese's peanut butter cup eggs, dry erase markers <3
all things that a college student requires to live alone for another week :3
haha.
not really.
eat healthy, kids, don't eat like me ....
and my magazines were shipped yesterday :3
just my luck they won't get here until I leave for break, and I'll have to wait an extra 10 days to come and collect them haha.
that's usually how my life works ...
oh well
i'll still get them, that's what matters.
i can't wait until my CD GETS HERE, THOUGH~
I AM SO EXCITED~
cannot WAIT for first press, haha.
(will post scans if possible :3)
oh.
yeah.
so taka and i.
are like,
OFFICIALLY
never going to get together.
i called him back last night after he left a message on my phone ...
and he and I had a really long talk
about the differences in our lives, and how
even when I'm in Japan
it'll be really difficult to see each other, and he doesn't know where's he'll be at the time
which i get.
so we've decided that we're just too different from how we used to be
and that it would never really work out,
we'd always be at odds with each other over certain things ...
which is totally true.
he'd want to go out, i'd want to stay in
he wants kids, i don't
i want stability, he likes to adventure ...
he's moved like, 3 times in the past year
and he travels all over the place for his job, with no guarantee that i'd be able to come with.
i love him, but i don't want a life like that ...
it sounds fun at the beginning, but ...
not in the long run.
<3
maybe someday.
you never know.
20 february 2008
04:23 pm dorm mood: amused
FIRST OFF
GUESS
WHAT
I
ORDERED~
「雅-THIS IZ THE JAPANESE KABUKI ROCK-」
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
first press bitches~
it'll be my fourth first press :3
ContentS
1.JPN PRIDE
2.21st Century 東京Blues
3.歌舞伎男子-KAVKI BOIZ-
4.BOOM-HAH-BOOM-HAH-HAH
5.Memories of BUSHIDO（Instrumental）
6.NOWHEREGOD
7.陽の光さえ届かないこの場所で feat. SUGIZO
8.咲き誇る華の様に-Neo Visualizm-
9.素晴らしきかな、この世界-WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD-
10徒然なる日々なれど
11.Thanx Givin’ Day
Hahahahahaha. i'm so happy about that.
also ordered:
Zy.[zi:] No.36
Zy.[zi:] No.26
heehee. that makes me happy.
i like getting things through campus mail~
anyway, that's not what this post was about, actually~
ppl wanted DETAILS about why/how i became single ... here they are!
my ex-gf and i hadn't talked for about
oh
four months
even though I had tried calling her, at least once a week, and had sent emails and letters and whatnot a lot.
(so methinks that she was just ignoring me.)
so uh, we just didn't talk.
and a friend and i were talking on MSN, and my friend was all, 'oh, so you and that girl finally broke it off?'
and i was like, 'uhh, what?'
and she said, 'yeah, it says that you're no longer listed in a relationship on facebook.'
(btw, if you're on facebook, i'll give you my real name so you can friend me :3)
so i went and checked
and, to break up with me,
SHE DE-RELATIONSHIPPED ME
HAHAHAHAHA
i lolled until i cried XD XD
so i sent her the following message on facebook:
since you're now listed as 'single'
i'm going to need my class ring back.
you know, i've tried to call you
and i never got an answer.
and sent some letters
and emails.
so, this equals really kind of shitty on your part, because i've been trying for the last
oh
4 months to call you and get a hold of you.
so yeah.
sorry you felt like you couldn't even call me and let me know that you were tired of not being contacted, even though i tried.
whatever.
please send my ring back to my home address.
in case you've lost that or you don't care, it's:
[home address]
or you can send it directly to me at college, at:
[college address]
have a nice life.
and she replied:
it'll be out monday.
I SHIT YOU NOT
THAT'S THE LAST THING SHE SAID TO ME.
XD XD XD XD XD
what a pussy.
can't even call me or shit haha.
that's why i'm glad this is OVAAAAA
especially since i knew that it was dying, and i just couldn't get out
now, whether or not i actually RECEIVE my ring is another lj entry, once it comes, i'll let you know.
XD
this makes me giggle.
even all my friends here at college told me that she was worthless as a gf,and now i realize that uh, they were right even though i didn't want to believe them ...
oh well, can't be right all the time <3 <3
18 february 2008
06:32 pm dorm mood: annoyed
I AM
NOW
OFFICIALLY
SINGLE
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
i am really excited about that ... really. really really.
getting my class ring back, too.
yaaaaaay.
also
(not so yay)
i fell on the ice FOUR TIMES on my way to class today
and dislocated BOTH KNEES
and my left is swollen all the way down to my ankle and up to my thigh
so i have to go to see the campus doctors tomorrow
and see what happens ...
i am in a lot of pain, but oh well
that's what happens when you have a degenerative disease, i suppose
i've gotten pretty used to it by now, it's just a huge PAIN IN THE ASS
really.
SO
that's my day.
i spent it in bed, writing
and crying a lot, because i am pretty much a big baby.
(if you didn't know that by now haha.)
14 february 2008
12:31 am dorm mood: 
angry
why are people such bastards?
fucking sleeping, 1130 at night, and have been for an HOUR.
SOMEONE comes fucking pounding on your door so hard you almost piss yourself awake, get tangled in your sheets, roll out, fling the door open.
"WHAT THE FUCK?"
response: "oh. (blank) wanted you."
"I"VE BEEN SLEEPING FOR AN HOUR ALREADY!"
slam door, go back to bed.
put your headphones on as loud as possible, roll over, go back to sleep.
A HALF HOUR LATER SOMEONE DOES IT AGAIN.
REAL PISSED THIS TIME.
"WHAT THE FUCK!"
jump out of bed, fling headphones across the room, slam door against wall.
"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?"
shitty explanation and answer.
"KNOCK ON MY DOOR AGAIN AND I WILL KILL SOMEONE."
i'm already fucking sleep deprived, you twats, now go away!
AND NOW
AND NOW
BECAUSE I WAS WOKEN UP TWICE
I
CANNOT
FUCKING
SLEEP
BECAUSE
PEOPLE
ARE
TWATS.
i hope god punches you in the face while you sleep, so that you know how it feels. i don't come knocking - POUNDING - on YOUR fucking door at 1130 at night, when I know your door has been shut.
you can't fucking wait until morning, your fucking request is so goddamn fucking urgent?
you fucking think that i fucking owe you something just because normally i like you, but when you FUCK with my sleep patterns i'm a big bitch.
yeah, well, so what, i'm not a nice person.
stop being a cunt and get over it.
10 february 2008
09:47 am dorm mood: 
awake
i am tired D:
(there are three extra people in my dorm room, so we are rather uh
cramped XD)
anyway.
apparently we are leaving way earlier to the international festival than previously thought. D:
now i have to hurry to do my hair, i don't likeeee that.
i will update about life and things later.
01 february 2008
09:08 am home, bed mood: 
sick
i am so fucking sick.
that kind of sick where you just want to die.
(it hurts for me to type this but I don't want to just lay in bed all the time anymore.)
I came home (aka left school)
and got to see my real doctor
and he told me what I thought, i have bronchitis
so he gave me some meds
but last night.
OH
MY
GOD.
i felt so ... horrible, so awful.
i couldn't breathe, i was pretty much living off my inhaler.
i couldn't move
because the infection has moved down into my back, and that makes my muscles weak and painful
which, in turn, has made the rest of my body ache.
so all in all, i feel like shit.
oh, and there's a blizzard going on right now.
there's like 8 inches of snow on the ground.
i'll take a picture of it if i can find a camera and if i can stand up to do it ...
sorry about not commenting.
I have all the journals in my inbox, i will comment on them as soon as
well
as soon as i don't think that i'm going to die.
27 january 2008
05:55 pm dorm mood: sick
those of you that read this should know - by now - that I am a rather fickle person ...
i fucking hate FAKE PEOPLE.
was talking with a friend this morning. it was like 900am, i had just woken up.
she had just gotten back from her BF's dorm
and was all like, "i hate not having time to do my homework ... i don't know where the time goes."
and i agreed, but i had already been working on mine all day long, it seemed.
so she took a shower.
then.
slept for a half hour.
got all dressed up.
AND WENT OUT
AND STILL HAS NOT COME BACK.
this was ...
8 hours ago.
8 hours in which she could have been working, and getting her shit done.
don't bitch about it, and then not do it ...
come on.
i bitch, but follow through and try to fix things.
don't bitch just to bitch and not do anything about it.
that's where i get pissed.
and she's like, "why am i not doing well in my classes?"
IT'S BECAUSE
YOU GOT OUT AND PARTY
EVERY
SINGLE
NIGHT
OF
THE
WEEK.
or, you're out fucking your BF.
because everyone asks if you're a slut
and what are we supposed to say about that?
we like you, but sometimes ....
you make us want to either sucker punch you
or sew your c_nt together.
seriously.
and she complains about how there's no money in her account
but she buys whatever she wants ...
again.
don't bitch and not fix shit.
idiot.
-----
oh, and i'm fucking sick again. i feel like shit.
i'm all, coughing shit up
sore throat
swollen lymph nodes
achy muscles
fuck this, i hate being sick D:
i hate this feeling of "sick".
sick pisses me off.
i really just want to get over being sick quickly
and then go back to doing my shiiiiiit.
-----
so i got a haircut and dyed my hair.
(well bleached it, but it didn't bleach right.)
i had pictures, but they got all fucked up.
23 january 2008
11:26 pm dorm mood: apathetic
Tyger, tyger, burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare seize the fire?And what shoulder and what art
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And, when thy heart begin to beat,
What dread hand and what dread feet?What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?When the stars threw down their spears,
Tyger, tyger, burning bright
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the lamb make thee?
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Did frame thy fearful symmetry?
William Blake - The Tyger
Not really related to this post.
just a favorite poem of mine.
i recovered a memory today. i don't know what to think about it, really.
I was just sitting in class you know.
it my biology lab.
we were talking about genetic engineering, and morality.
and i remembered a conversation from a long time ago, that i had with kazuno.
we were talking about how he was going to tell his parents that he was moving in with his boyfriend, ryo, and that he was going to get another job to cover his medical bills (he has a suppressed immune system from some genetic thing) and i just remembered the conversation.
"well, i want to move back to hong kong, you know, it's like my second home."
"yeah, but tokyo is closer to your parents ... you wouldn't have to worry about your passport or anything, and tokyo's nicer than hong kong, i think."
"but ryo's parents are in hong kong right now, we can get some help from them if we need it."
"-sigh- but your parents are more accepting of your relationship ... they'll help you more."
"-nods- but they're also far more protective of me, because i get sick so easily."
"yeah, well, maybe it's for your own good, kazuno ...."
and thinking about kazuno made me think about all the good times we had when i was in HS, and i pretty much lived at his house, at his food, slept in his bed, shared his showers, et cetera et cetera. we were inseparable.
now, not so much. we hardly talk anymore ... that's for sure.
he's in HK and i'm still here, and i'll probably never get to HK anytime soon.
it's fucking expensive there, and to top it all of it's a shitload of cash just to get plane tickets ... come on man, i can't get there any time soon, and he's never online anymore either.
i feel like all my friends that i grew up with are pretty much vanishing into thin air, and i kind of regret that.
I loved them all, and i really only hang out with two of them now.
i don't miss some of them, but others, it would be nice to talk to them.
i'm also feeling desperately lonely right now.
i am used to having someone to sleep with, and i haven't for nearly six months.
i miss all the people i love.
taka and cy, i miss them most ... and taka's super busy, and cy's just not there ...
it's not like i am fixated on sex, it's just like
EVERYONE ELSE I KNOW
HAS SOMEONE SERIOUSLY
and i'm just the fat chick
that no one wants to date or stay with.
it's kind of depressing.
and like, whenever i want to talk to anyone about it
they're all just like "... well i can't really relate"
because
OF COURSE
they're fucking happy with their bf/gf
and yet again, i'm all alone
and i really really hate it.
wow this entry is so self-pitying.
i am such a douche sometimes.
21 january 2008
09:54 pm dorm mood: 
crappy
OKAY so life update.
uhhhhhh it is snowing here <3 it is so beautiful here right now.
it makes me remember things from russia - nights spent with Konstantin in bed - love - borscht - sex - then, moving to America.
america - chicago - winter - snow - takanori - japan - russia - breathless nights filled with varying phrases, "я тебя люблю (ya tebya lyublyu)" and "покажи мне любовь (pokazhi mne lyubov')" thrown around like nobody's business - and then america again - filled with disappointment and hate for the mix of nationalities i had to identify as - then japan and kazuno and ryo - more breathless nights, "愛してもいい (aishite mo ii)" - and then again america and then takanori again, back in my house and i loved him - and then college and my first snow away from home and breathless nights - and then takanori one last time, before he left - and then some bad things - and now snow again, but it's nice this time.
i keep remembering some of the last things that we ever said to each other - "i'll call you" "i'll write you" "i promise to be with you when you get here" " i love you more than anything in the world" "i'll never leave you alone" - and of course i remember all the things he would sing and whisper to me as we would lay in bed just being, just existing, and the words that he would whisper to me while we were out, or picnicing, or just sitting around with his friends and having the rare moment of immaturity that we were allowed.
i remember the first night that i stayed at his hotel, and we watched that stupid fucking movie - "Joe's Apartment" - and i had to explain to him what was going on and why there were dancing cockroaches in the movie ... i remember eating bad chinese food in bed and daring him to eat a whole bag of chow mein noodles (he did) and then giving him his "prize" (a kiss on the cheek) and then all i remember is waking up to him pressing kisses down my back, and telling me that it was almost noon and he had to go - unless i was willing to come with him. it was snowing in chicago that day.
i remember running in millenium park and pushing him into the snow and rolling around, messing up his perfect hair and tackling his friends and having a snowball fight, until we were all wet and cold and we went back to the hotel - forgetting our initial mission to get to a lawyer's office. (i don't know why). i remember going swimming in the warm pool and all of them teasing me about my lack of swimming skill, then being fascinated by the gaping scars left in my legs by four surgeries. we went back to our hotel rooms - and he was the first person to voluntarily touch my legs, and tell me my scars were beautiful.
"Вы красивы." "Vi krasivi." "you are beautiful." the only words in russian he ever asked to learn from me.
anyway. you don't need to hear my sentimental remembrances. school is ... hectic. getting a haircut on thursday, and bleaching it friday, i think.
wish me fantastic luck.
HEAD KULT
VERSE 1
ripe for the slaughter hiding in the naive
meat racked on crucifix for the slaves
drunk on the blood from a random Christ
house of the skulls and the church of ice
BUILD UP 1
pious, vermin
incarceration
spineless, minions
fresh for the lionsCHORUS
Head Kult
pigs revolt
can’t stop them groveling, let them rotVERSE 2
mind of a martyr body of a child
insane hallucinate suicide
delusional salvation a pathetic farce
a higher seat in heaven closer to god’s arseBUILD UP 2
mindless, hunger
abide in rancor
the sheep, confide
heathen pesticideCHORUS
Head Kult
pigs revolt
can’t stop them groveling, let them rotVERSE 3
nail one more angel head to your door
pin another demon’s arm on to the wall
death and knowledge verses bliss and bland
which part of fuck off don’t you understand?BUILD UP 3
pious, vermin
incarceration
spineless, minions
fresh for the lionsmindless, hunger
CHORUS
abide in rancor
the sheep, confide
heathen pesticide
Head Kult
pigs revolt
can’t stop them groveling, let them rot
14 january 2008
07:36 pm dorm mood: sad
gonna get the bad stuff out of the way ... going home this weekend for
a. a funeral
b. laundry
and
c. to get rid of the situation between he and i.
i can't really take it ... not in college, and not when he's not here, so. it's going to end, but not with him, hopefully. or else i have no idea what he wants me to do, i can't take shit like this alone.
we didn't think that it would happen, because of my PCOS, but it did, and uh.
(if you don't know what PCOS is, google it.)
i'm not going to give up college.
which is selfish, but - right now my happiness is my only priority, and
if he doesn't want to fucking talk to me about it ...
i'm not going to do something that he might not even take responsibility for,
"because his image is so important".
bullshiiiiiit.
if his image is so important that he doesn't care about me,
then i don't have the time to deal with things that involve him now.
and i might regret it later, but right now - it's the last thing that i need.
i call him to ask him what he wants me to do, and he pretty much brushes me off
and tells me he'll call me back about it, and then Mommy ends up calling me
and i talk to Mommy for like two hours about it, and Mommy tells me:
"i can't tell you what to do with yourself, but i can tell you
just do what feels right for the time, because that's what matters.
if you're unhappy with it at the moment, it's not worth it.
and, matter of fact, neither is he if he's going to be like this."
I'm not going to give up taka by any means.
gonna do what i can.
just - going to give up on what happened when i saw him last.
which was about two months ago,
for a couple days - and i haven't seen him since.
he says it's "because he's super busy with stuff, and it's not my fault"
but i know he's not coming here because of the situation.
Anyway. you don't really want to hear/need to hear my bitching.
it's not appropriate.
oh, i got some stuff today.
old 2007 calendar. just wanted it.
200 Pounds Beauty.
The Secret That Cannot Be Told
INITIAL D special edition. comes with bookmarks, a puzzle, a movie book, stickers, and a certificate of purchase.
New purse.
stationary.
New umbrella.
Toshiya of Dir en grey watch.
stickers.
09 january 2008
08:25 pm dorm mood: 
worried
why does every song played
remind me of you?
silky, soft skin, saved sins,
there's booze on my breath again.
a body sculpting, faith is.
the pillow case smells of you.
breaking bonds by bad bonds,
the hint of failure lingers on.
the days' sun
ceases showing who you are.
the night's hold
teases, not to be alone.
the cloud's careless,
sleep away in violent skies.
sleep away in violent skies.
your timing seems so perfect,
was breathing for the first time.
confessions not admitting why,
secrets don't apologize.
the days' sun
ceases showing who you are.
the night's hold
teases, not to be alone.
the cloud's careless,
sleep away in violent skies.
sleep away in violent skies
violent skies
violent skies
why does every song played
remind me of you?
silky, soft skin, saved sins,
there's booze on my breath again.
the days' sun
ceases showing who you are.
the night's hold
teases, not to be alone.
the cloud's careless,
sleep away in violent skies.
sleep away in violent skies.
the cloud's careless,
sleep away in violent
the cloud's careless,
sleep away in violent
the cloud's careless,
sleep away in violent skies.
flowers for dorian, violent skies
i can't get him out of my head.
my thoughts center around him ... all the time.
it doesn't help that -
he's so far away, so close away
- and i don't know how to deal with that.
i feel like a desperate person
waiting for him to come here
when the only one that said that they would
doesn't really have a say at all.
(mommy's a good person, but
he's not the best at getting his way.)
i haven't had contact with anyone
that i really care about for
oh
a couple days now
and one isn't returning my calls
which adds to my anger
because i mean really -
it's not fair to me, i call
be they can't be bothered.
and there's no one here to really talk to
aside from the select few, which
don't really get what's going down
because they all have you know
"happy normal relationships".
my tattoos mean nothing to him.
absolutely nothing you know.
i got them out of dedication -
and it's like, i know some of them
aren't really important to anyone but me
but he said that they were beautiful
but never said another word
and
wouldn't even answer me about, you know,
what he would do if i ever got more
just shrugged on the webcam
and looked away from me.
which isn't optimal considering the current
uh
situation?
would be the appropriate term.
i'm sick of all the guesswork
that it takes to really get close to him
because he's so guarded
which isn't a fault of mine, at all
i've always been in love with him
i'd die for him, or at least
something like that just to
be with him in the place that we both
just
love.
05 january 2008
10:41 pm dorm mood: angry
OKAY THIS IS URGENT!
i just lost my hard drive, my external hard drive ....
I LOST OVER 7000 MUSIC FILES!
all of my GazettE, all of it ... everything ... all my Downloaded songs that I worked so hard on.
all of my Miyavi, MUCC, DIR EN GREY, Pierrot, ALICE NINE, AN CAFE, everything!!
What I need from you - please! - is as much music as you are willing to donate to my cause ... everything.
Anything, because I have what is on my iPod but I do not want to re-update ...
I lost all of my Jay Chou, all my JJ Lin, all my FAMA ...
I am desperate!
I also lost all of my layouts, my writing, all of it ... everything that I have ever done ....
Please help me get my music library back!
Ask your friends too :3
I am willing to take anything ....
03 january 2008
06:49 pm dorm mood: amused
SO OKAY HERE IT IS!
MY NEW TATTOO!
it is soooo beautiful and so much more than what i expected from jason ...
and he gave me a kick ass deal, only 260USD with a tip!
he was so nice this time, as well, because i am a baby and i hate tattooing for long periods of time, and he would take a break and let me relax before beginning again.
it's sooooo fucking itchy right now though, because it's almost all healed and the scabs are falling off, i wanna scratch at it SO BAD it is ridiculous.
i am so pleased with it, i cried when he showed me the finished thing in the mirror and he gave me a lolly ♥♥
it means sooooo much to me! ♥
so so so so so i am back at el college.
it is pretty sweet.
schedule, per my usual update:
BIO 100: Principles of Biology (MWF 0800-0910)
BIO 100L: Principles of Biology Lab (W 1330-1530)
JPN 102: Elementary Japanese II (MWF 1040-1150)
REL 100: Introduction to World Religions (MWF 1200-1310)
so i am off all of Tuesday and Thursday. which is fucking AWESOME, if you ask me ....
OH and an online conversation that i found hard to stomach with someone.
me: hihi takaaaa
him: hi how u?
me: good good. college began
him: good. u come see me soon?
me: next fall
me: in november
him: oh
him: very long time
me: yeah but it will be fun
him: dun know if i be around then
me: why not?
him: got lot to do
him: lot to play
him: tour and stuff
me: you said you'd be in kyoto then though
him: dun mean anything wut i said<br> me: why did you tell me you would be though?
him: dun matter, dunno if i be there
him: maybe yes, maybe no, u should have come back there wit me and u wuldnt have to worry bout it
me: well i couldnt come with you then, i had classes
him: well i dun know if u want to be wit me
him: bc if u did u wuld have come wit me
me: not true not true
me: i still love you
him: if u love me, u wuld have come and then we wuldnt be havning this talk
him: bc i dun know where i will be or who wit when u get here.
SO this guy that i love. to death. would kill to be with him. like. murder someone. his name is taka. i love him. when i last saw him i told him that i would find him in kyoto when i get there next year, and we would hook back up and stuff, like how we were. he told me to go to uni there, that i could get in and i could live with him, blah blah, but i had already paid for the year here in the US and i couldn't really rationalize leaving everything and go to japan - no matter how much he means to me, no matter how much he's done for me over the course of three years. so i told him, promised him that i would see him that, you know, we could be together for the eight weeks i would be there ... and he agreed, he did, so i didn't think anything of it ... until he like, told me that he didn't know where he'd be, if he could see me, if he wanted me because i didn't come back with him ... what was i supposed to do? just drop everything? no, not gonna happen ....
27 december 2007
11:17 am home, kitchen mood: 
FUCKING EXCITED
SO SO SO SO SO.
today is the day! the day for tattoos!
going to go get my third tattoo today.
I AM SO FUCKING EXCITED >D
i could nearly shake out of my skin i am so excited.
it's going to be GORGEOUS.
this is what I am getting:
minus the "rock'n'roll mad joker" part, I don't really like that...
Underneath that, or somehow, I want my artist to work in:
somehow.
i hope.
gazette has .... really changed my life. in lots of ways.
it's hard to explain, really. like. if i hadn't started talking to sashi and therefor furthering my dreams of getting to japan, I wouldn't have fallen in love with the music, and I wouldn't have really seen what i can achieve ... i don't know.
i've been through a lot, i have, and this is the coming of age for me (in a way) because this is the tattoo I have wanted ever since I saw my first Gaze live online, and I knew that I was destined to be in Japan and live there and work there, and this is what has kept me going and working for ... well, for three years really.
this is what i want ... and i am going to get it. no matter what.
ANYWAY.
I will post another entry upon my arrival home!
SO CHRISTMAS.
it was filled with my father's family and ... utterly boring. I spent from 1300 to 1900 surrounded by people that i hate, although the food was good. Also got sick of all the DRAMA that they cause ... hate it one.
what did i get ...
- Luggage set for China/Japan
- Glittens (ask if you don't know what they are) --> try Fig and Plum
- Clinque Happy
- Maroon swing coat (it is BEAUTIFUL)
.... and that is it. I have to order the rest of my gifts online apparently. so it was a boring christmas with no presents.
the only good thing was that I had a chance to relax for the first time in god knows how long when we got home from my grandparent's house D:. I really hate it there ... a lot. I do. I hate being there at all.
HOWEVER.
Samface is coming tomorrow!
I am excited about that ... I like Samface and I miss her.
Which is why it is good that she is coming.
Sorry that I have not commented in a while ...
I will comment on your journals whence I return home from
SIDESHOW STUDIO TATTOO!
18 december 2007
1:20 pm home, kitchen mood: 
pissed off
STALKER UPDATE!!!!!!
Okay so I sent him an email, telling him that lots of things had changed and I told him what had ... blah blah blah, gave him the OPPORTUNITY TO BACK OFF. clear as day! that I wasn't the same girl, and he wasn't the same, and that he could easily find someone else to be with ... gave him 'praise' to keep him from getting pissed, you know?
AND HE EMAILS ME BACK!
(this is the uncut letter):
Baby, I'm sorry! You know you could have contacted me and told me what was going on don't you? You know you could have stayed here with me, right? You still could if you wanted.
I mean, I haven't done much better. My mother moved up to Wisconsin about 6 months ago when I got my newest car, which has been in the shop since then as well. So, I haven't been working hardly at all, and any money I've gotten has been going toward just surviving by buying cheap bulk food at the store, or wasting it once in a while on "party smoking", which is a thrill when its happening, but a let down when its gone.
Its been my goal just recently to turn things around again, get back up on my feet, and get going with my goals again. My car will be back to me this coming Saturday supposedly, and by next Monday, I'll be going to the social security office/welfare office to get a link card, apply for disability (for my obsessive compulsive disorder), and to Labor Finders to get assigned a temporary job. My life is far from perfect. My mother is going broke up North, so she wants to sell this house down here and either help me get some place down here until I'm back up on my feet (which you are welcome to share with me if you'd like), or for me to move up there in some place or small house she finds up there for me (and any friends I wish to bring along), though honestly I'd rather stay down this way if possible.
I haven't done or completed what I wanted to for the world yet either, so trust me, I'm just as depressed as yourself (perhaps more than you).
By smoking, do you mean that you've started smoking cigarettes again or something else? Just wondering.
Please Write Me Back My Love (sorry for saying that; I can't help what I feel).
Your's,
Joshua
..... OH MY FUCKING GOD. DOES HE NOT GET IT? WHEN I TOLD HIM OFF, I TOLD HIM THAT I HAD SOMEONE, AND IT HAD BEEN LONG TERM AND I WASN'T PLANNING ON LEAVING THEM ANYTIME SOON.
Which is true. I'm still trying to make it work with her ...
What is this "You know you could have stayed here with me, right? You still could if you wanted." BULLSHIT? OMFG! I hate him so much D<. I don't even know what to say to him ...
ANYONE GOT ANY IDEAS?
my mommy is making hamburgers tonight when she gets home from work ... i am so excited about them~!
i love them so much ...
i also worked yesterday, which is why i didn't update, but that's all right because i made some money, which will help me out in the long run.
I am also missing all the girls that i made friends with in the dorm, it is kind of lonely here in the upper Illinois region with no one to tlak to or bug ... blah.
I am going to go make waffles for lunch~
16 december 2007
11:40 am home, kitchen mood: 
blah
okay so. this story takes a long introduction of things that happened a couple years ago ... involving boys and love and whatnot.
SO. i went out a couple years ago with this guy named Josh. (i have all his emails archived, and the first one was from ... Thursday, April 28, 2005)
So that was a while ago. We pretty much hit it off ... we were really similar in many ways, but he was a lot older than me (at the time i was 16, he was 24) but that didn't matter ... we really liked each other.
we kept talking and here are some things that he said to me (with my responses): ...
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Hello Love,
I am just here at the Cyber Cafe thinking of you:).........I Love You! I'm sorry if it seemed as though I didn't want to talk to you earlier. I really did want to talk! I Love You Kayleigh And I Miss You!
Your's Always,
Josh
My love -
I love you as well, and you know it. :D
Arrrr. I miss you. I love you.
*falls over*
Always yours,
KayleighThursday, November 24, 2005
I Miss So Very Very Much Honey! There is the empty feeling inside of me without being able to talk to you.........I Love You Kayleigh!!
Love Your's,
JoshI miss you as well. I was going to call today but I was all, "Well, it's Thanksgiving" And I don't know what plans you had for today So. I didn't call. I love you so much.
I Love You So Much Too:).........You can call me at any time, holiday or not. I Love hearing from you honey:).
Kayleigh
I Love You,
Josh
So then, I thought that it was all going well ... we were in love ... then I got this email from him:
Dear Kayleigh,
I've been doing some thinking, and I think I jumped the gun a bit with you and I. Its not that I don't want to still meet you and see if we click; its just that I shouldn't have been so quick to just grab you up. I really have no right to do that or to "claim" you until we do meet, and if we DO ACTUALLY click still after meeting and decide to go for one another, then we both would have the right to claim one another.
I mean, personally, I'd much rather you found someone else that you matched with more now, than later on in our relationship(and you probably feel the same). For example, what if you and Brandon have more in common and connect more? Anyway, I just wanted to be honest there and tell you that I'm not just writing you off here, but I'm also not asking you to tell people that you're taken yet because if you come across someone that you just totally fall for, and don't go for them because you think you'll hurt my feelings, that would be a terrible thing. I think we should keep this open until we ACTUALLY DO meet(which might be a longer or shorter amount of time).
Your Friend Always - Possibly More Later,
Josh
P.S.-I hope you aren't taking this as some sort of rejection. I am not meaning to hurt you by this. I just want to be able to let you keep your options open for now just in case. Again, do not worry about my feelings, and NO this is NOT a test of your loyalty or anything because I myself am keeping my options open as well until we meet.
NO REJECTION?
i was pretty pissed~
I told him so in another email (which is filled with a lot of personal stuff that I don't feel like posting online to anyone, so.) I pretty much ripped him a new one, and we got together once to talk to each other about what had happened. We ironed it out, and got together, and I was pretty happy ...
Now, I don't know what you guys know, but a couple of years ago I was pretty deep into self mutilation and I got out of it with rehab and support from my friends and (some) family. I've been cutless for ... almost two years now. I'm really proud of myself for that. Josh knew that I was clean, and he knew that I was planning on staying that way for as long as possible, or I least I thought he did.
He pretty much asked me if I would be into "bloodletting" and sexual cutting, and - to top it all off:
Friday, March 17, 2006
I really want to try a couple different aphrodisiacs like weed and ecstasy, but ONLY WITH my gf(when we are together). Would you ever do that with me if we were in a relationship if I promised not to let you get addicted to them? If it matters at all, medically speaking, you can't get physically addicted to either of those drugs like you can to cocaine. Its just if you like the feeling that you get from them, some people become addicted mentally, wanting it all the time because of the feeling it gives them; not because they get sick or anything without it.
I mean, come on. Can you have any less tact? I pretty much told him that, I wasn't comfortable with it, he could do what he wanted as long as I wasn't involved in them ... and things were good for a while.
Friday, July 7, 2006
What I'm talking about is that question; hmm, maybe it was over messenger. It was the fact that I wanted to get into smoking grass, and you wanted to stay away from all drugs in general. I wanted to know that, would you at least smoke with me once in a while? I was afraid to ask before for some reason, but every time I talk to you online, and you do these cute little things that just make me smile all over, I want to grab you and kiss you! I just want to enjoy something like smoking grass with my partner(since I don't drink at all). I mean, its not like coke at all. So if you enjoy it, wouldn't you do that With Me?
Josh
I can honestly say, no.
Ever. I will never touch any drug in my life.
And I'm being bluntly honest because that's one thing I'm really set upon. They almost ruined my life, they ruined my brother's, and I'm not going to go through it all over again.
KayleighWould you ever consider smoking grass though?
JoshHmm. No.
Can't say that I would. And I'm sorry if it's like that, because I don't want to be around it.
Like I said, I'm not going to lie to you. I haven't been around it for a year, and I don't intend to get close to someone who does.
-sighs- Sorry.
KayleighNot even if I promised to keep you safe from it? Keep you under control in that way? Not let you get out of control with it? Are you saying that you didn't enjoy the feeling itself(sorry, but just curious)?
Listen, now I'm getting pissed off.
Josh
I said no, and if you can't respect that AT ALL it's never going to happen. Ever. Not even if it were "true love" and if it were you wouldn't ask me to.
All right? Either drop it and respect my answer or fuck off.
Kayleigh
(can you tell now thatI was getting pissed at him?)
I'm sorry Kayleigh:(..................it just seems like whenever I find the woman that seems to match every quality I seek, there's always one thing that doesn't match and stands in our way of a long relationship.........I'm sorry; thats just who I am.
I push and push sometimes, to get every possibility to pop into that person's mind. I wasn't trying to argue or piss you off.
Josh
... Well then, I can't see this happening. I just can't when someone pushes me like that.
Kayleigh
And that was the end of it. I broke up with him and we haven't talked since that day, because I couldn't take someone that I thought loved me, and I didn't want to have to listen to him pleading with me to do something totally against my morals ... totally against what I had built for myself.
Until the other day. I logged in to gmail and saw a forwarded email from my yahoo account ...
Dec 15, 2007
Hi Kayleigh,
I know its been a long time since we last talked. I was hoping that you might give me another chance. Will you?
Your's,
Joshua
Josh -
I don't even know how long it's been since we've talked to each other. At least a year, probably more. I have a totally different life now, I'm in college and nothing is the same as it was before. I've totally changed, and I've gotten older and less naive.
{personal stuff removed from email, not important in the context}
Why do you want me back after all this time? What's changed that you want to get back together with me?
KayleighI've always had my feelings for you Kayleigh. I just felt completely despaired the whole time being unable to get out to you or you out to me, and having to skulk around, hiding our relationship from your parents, and my vehicle constantly having problems and such. Anyway, now my newest vehicle (my 87 Toyota Supra, not the Vanagon) is all repaired and waiting to be picked up at the shop, and besides that, my life is a little more in order now (not completely, but somewhat).
Really? Because I would think that, if you were still attracted to me, you wouldn't have waited a year and a half to send me an email ... see, I archive all my old emails, and that's the last one that I sent to you. And, we really didn't have to 'hide' it because my mother decided that she didn't care, and I have never cared what my father thought. It just seems a little strange to me that, after so long and after I had stopped caring that we didn't really seem to have a future that I get an email out of the blue from you. The way I figured, it was over and done with because we had stopped talking.
Keep In Touch Hon,
Josh
And, you could have always gotten a better girl than me, trust me. You're an amazing guy, and I think that you can do better than me ... especially since the way my life has gone since we've last spoken, I'm not that good of a person anymore. I know that you'll find the right person, but I know that it just isn't me.
Try to let him off easy .... he doesn't have to really answer me haha. He can go with the option I gave him, to say that he could find a better girl ... we'll see what happens. I haven't heard from him yet, i fired off the last response about two hours ago.
it's like, it's not that i didn't have feelings for him at the time when we were together, but now? no way. he hurt me too much. I'm not ready to look at him again. I don't think that I ever will be ....
in other news!
still at home, still a little bored with nothing to do ... but sit and type and write. which isn't a bad thing, but you know how it goes.
it snowed like 6-8 inches last night, like a sonofabitch. it was RIDICULOUS.
went to a cookie exchange, drank a little ... i miss drinking sometimes ...
(it was spiced apple cider with a shot of Captain Morgan <3 I drank like 8 glasses of it ...)
got some pretty delicious cookies, too.
(we made rice crispie balls with chocolate drizzled over them, pretty tasty)
i think that I am going to a band concert today ... I have no idea, actually, I should have paid better attention when I was talking with my friends haha.
and that is all I really have to say D:
11 december 2007
10:18 pm home, kitchen mood: ecstatic
sososososo. this site officially launched today~ I am so proud of myself. I designed it and coded it all from memory, and I didn't even copy+paste old CSS files from other layouts :D.
but uh. i forgot to check on POWWEB for maintenence time, and the server was down, and I was FREAKING OUT about it. I should read those updates far more often than I do ... might stop unneccessary worrying. because the more I worry, the older I am going to get, and I don't want to get old!
okay, so more random. this made me laugh unneccessarily hard.
FUCKING hysterical. apparently I laugh like Toshiya? if i could record it for you i would, but i can't, so listen to Toshiya laughing ... and you have me.
I have nothing else to say, for once ... because it is late, and I am rather tired. Work tomorrow D:
07 december 2007
7:35 pm home, kitchen mood: 
naughty
OMG JJ LIN. WHY ARE YOU SO AMAZING DAMMIT D:
AND YOU, JAY CHOU, YOU MAKE ME WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES. D:
CHINESE SINGERSSSSSSSSSS I LOVE THEM SO.
okay so far today i have DLed:
Ai Qing Qing (艾晴晴)
Anson Hu (胡彥斌)
CoCo Lee (李美林)
Eason Chan (陳奕迅)
FAMA (農夫)
F.I.R. (飛兒樂團)
He Jie (何洁)
Jay Chou (周傑倫)
JJ Lin (林俊傑)
Jolin Tsai (蔡依林)
Kelly Chen (陳慧琳)
Kelly Pan (潘嘉麗)
Landy Wen (溫嵐)
Lollipop (七彩棒棒堂)
Sodagreen (蘇打綠)
Twins
Wang Leehom (王力宏)
I AM OBSESSED.
omg you have to watch this video by FAMA though.
風生水起: 農夫feat麥玲玲 ("Fung saang seui hei" feat. Mak Ling Ling)
FUCKING hysterical. I love FAMA. they are great and make me happy~
(i am listening to them right NAOW)
holy shit, i could listen to them all day long babeh.
and JJ Lin should own my soul pretty soon, i think.
can't find any newer JJ though, and i really want all of his albums.
so my parents are gone out of town.
HOUSE PARTY AT MY PLACE.
bring some food~
(and that goes for everyone on my LJ, because i am super lonely lol.
find me on MSN, too. i'll give it to anyone that asks ...
05 december 2007
4:55 pm home, kitchen mood: 
bitchy
so it's fucking cold in my house, and i hate dealing with it.
it's like. fucking 25F out and my house has no siding, yet, so i am shivering in my pjs at the kitchen table wishing that i were dead.
(maybe literally, i don't really know ...)
and my fucking father is home again today, because he's a bastard.
and my mother is pissed again because he's home, and it's his fault that the house is freezing (it should have been done months ago but because he's 'depressed' of course it isn't.)
we're having shitty food again because he didn't go shopping yet and there's like, no food in my house and I hate that, because I can't live on sandwiches and soup forever. i need some substance in my diet.
my iPod is broken for some reason, paid $300 for the damn thing and i don't have enough money to get it fixed ....
but on a happy note, i registered for all of my classes today online.
yay.
and i have cherry coke.
01 november 2007
1:05 pm dorm mood: 
cold
so halloween was all right. not as spectacular as i would have hoped, but oh well.
went as an undead prom queen.
i was SPECTACULAR. everyone was like "O:" at me. it made me happy.
the dress i wore was my prom dress from last year, and i still wear it for any occasion that might seem appropriate lol lol.
the crown is not mine, though. borrowed it from a friend lol.
but i ended up having to go to pep band, but i wore my costume ... and hilarity ensued.
my RA,shannon, was dressed as a 'creepy old man'. he liked the prom queen.
my reaction to the previous shot. shannon's grin is PRICELESS.
annnnnnd this is how the prom queen became an UNDEAD prom queen.
this is my life at college LOL.
butttt do you notice all the people with coats?
IT WAS FUCKING FREEZING, I TELL YOU.
like
below 30F, it was ridiculous.
i did have a jacket, but it was like super thin and barely helped.
i was wearing jeans under the dress, so that helped.
BUT
I WAS ALSO
ONLY WEARING
FLIP FLOPS.
i am not the smartest person in the world hurhurhurhur.
so after pep band i came back to my dorm, took a shower and
WE WATCHED
Mary Poppins.
HAHAHAHAHA not very Halloween, yes?
lol.
that is all that i have to say~
hope your halloween was fun and candy-filled
18 october 2007
1:10 pm dorm mood: 
hyper
so another entry!
with camwhoreing.
college has been a little hard because i have TWO PAPERS DUE MONDAY D: D: D: D: D: D: D:
what the hell.
i hate writing papers ....
one is on Turkey and the other is on post-WWII China. and communism ...
hmm. no idea what i am going to write for either of them ....
and no one has sent me any presents, except for neffy. and mirry sent me a letter, so that was cool~!
i love getting presents. send me letters! those make me happy.
i will give my address to whomever asks for it C:
i like sending letters and whatnot ...
and camewhoreing.
so that is all that i have to say <33
went and got my nails done. love them~
ruki tattoo right after getting it done.
most recent photo.
another photo.
kyo tattoo. sorry about the crappy photo.
DIS IS MAI FAICE.
Jenny's desk.
Jenny's clothes. omg so many~!
We moved our shit around. My bed is the one on the bottom.
Jrock wall of DOOM is now behind the TV. D:
hide plushies.
NCC! Go Cards!
END OF CAMWHORE. whut up g?
05 october 2007
10:49am dorm mood: 
dirty
ahhhh my life is so boring ...
college is taking up all of my time, and that means:
lots of essays
lots of worksheets
lots of meaningless reading
so my life is like
READ READ READ WRITE WRITE
-translate translate-
because japanese is fun :D
わたしは North Central だいがくの カエリイ です。 だいがくせい です。 わたしの せんこうは あじあけんきゅうと にほんご です。 いちねんせい です。 やった！！
and that's about the extent of my japanese to date.
it's really lame and out of order but it's fun, yo.
i don't like my professor but i'm switching for next semester.
and that's my life right now.
more updates after classes.
03 october 2007
8:56am dorm mood: restless
okay, so here is the situation.
i have a girlfriend, and we've been together since the end of October/beginning of November last year (because she asked me out but i really didn't give her an answer until then). i really do love her, a lot. like. i would love to be with her forever.
BUT.
i keep trying to call her and i don't get an answer, or a call back.
and now, i'm so frustrated that i don't know if i even want to be with her anymore.
because when i am with her, it's amazing.
when we are apart, it's like i don't exist to her.
and then, i feel really guilty when i look at other girls/guys (because i do love men, i'm bisexual, not lesbian)
even though i know that she does the same thing and doesn't feel guilty at all.
i don't know what to do~
i want to fire an email off to her, asking her if she wants this to continue or what.
because
most of my friends are telling me to leave her, she's treating me like shit.
(i haven't talked to any of you guys about it).
but i can't like
leave her
just like that
because i really do love her ...
i just don't know if she returns it.
(even though she was like
'i love you so much~!'
when we first got together, and we totally
TOTALLY
planned what would happen after college together
because we were TOTALLY IN LOVE
and now?
i am not so sure anymore.
i love her, but
i love someone else, too
(even though i have to wait two years for him)
and now i'm thinking that i want him, exclusively
and i think that i could be good with that?
i think i could.
but i still need help breaking it off.
she's really emotional.
any tips?
27 september 2007
10:04 am dorm mood: 
sleepy
OH GOD
OH GOD
OH GOD
i have gotten like 3 hours of sleep because I haven't even finished my paper for my intro to east asia class.
I thought it was only like
3 pages
turns out
IT HAS TO BE AT LEAST 5.
i am like beefing it up
making some shit up
and hoping that professor hoffert isn't going to fail me on it.
i mean, it's easy enough
"Confucianism, Daoism and Legalism each provided a unique solution to the sociopolitical chaos that arose from the collapse of the Zhou feudal order during the Spring and Autumn (722-481 B.C.E.) and Warring States (403-221 B.C.E.) periods. Briefly describe the solutions proposed by each tradition and then identify the one (or more) that you feel provided the best solution for China at the end of the Warring States period - explaining your answer in light of the historical circumstances of the times?"
so it's like
not that hard
but i have to keep taking breaks
because it's melting my braiiiiiin
and i finally have five pages, but i have the last part left to do, about what worked best
and i don't know what my opinion is on it?
god i hate being a procrastinator.
i want to finish by noon, though
so i can go to lunch with the other people in my dorm
because that would really suck if i didn't get the chance.
so uh
yeah.
college is lonely D:
i have no one but my dormies to talk to sometimes
not that i don't like that
but i'd like to see some familiar faces around more
but no one has come to visit me yet
from any part of my family
or otherwise.
so yeah.
20 september 2007
4:41 pm dorm mood: 
hungry
so i got a mail from Huiwen finally.
she said that she really overreacted, and that she should have known that I would never try to date Jiafeng, because I only like him as a brother.
I am really happy that we're not fighting that much anymore, but I'm still angry at her, because we were really good friends but it seems that we're slowly growing apart.
I mean, I know that it happens with a lot of people when they go to separate colleges, but I always thought that it wouldn't happen to us ... which of course was incorrect but I thought maybe that I could change things with POSITIVE THINKING~!
STUPID POSITIVE THINKING.
why does it never work for me?
i mean like, all of my friends do 'POSITIVE THINKING' and it always works for them, and for me it's like positive thinking says:
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA YOU GET NOTHING ONE! TOO BORING LOR! YOU SO AH PUI!"
D:
not cool, positive thinking, NOT COOL.
I resent that you ruin my happiness D:
why do you hate me so much D:
anyway got all of my classes sorted out for the next two semesters ...
CURRENT COURSES
JPN 101 - Elementary Japanese I
ENG 115 - First-Year Writing
HST 165 - Introduction to East Asia
WINTER 2008
SPRING 2008
BIO 100 - Principles of Biology (with Lab)
JPN 102 - Elementary Japanese II
REL 100 - Intro to World Religion
MTH 128 - Finite Math
IDS 125 - Freshman Seminar (selected in Summer 2007)
JPN 103 - Elementary Japanese III
SPC 100 - Speech Communication
Good course selections. I like them, all except Maths. Don't like maths.
17 september 2007
10:02 pm dorm mood: angry
So like, I went to call one of my friends back home tonight right?
And the phone at her house rings, and her dad answers
Tells me to call her cellphone, because she's been waiting for me to call.
So I call her phone and she picks up
I say: 'Hey Huiwen! How are you?'
And she YELLS AT ME
'How dare you try and steal my boyfriend!'
wtfmate.
Her boyfriend is one of my guy friends that knew me before her, and I'm not even attracted to him.
(Jiafeng is one of those guys that you just can't date because you know him so well?)
So I'm like, 'Huiwen, i only like Jiajia as a friend, and that's all it'll ever be ... I'm even trying to find a boyfriend here at college! Why would I come on to Jiajia like that?'
(Jiajia is what we all call Jiafeng)
And she stutters for a moment before saying
'Because you want me to be miserable, like I was before I met him. You want him back!'
WTFMATE.
I was never even with him D:.
He doesn't even belong to the category of boys I've been with before I decided that he wasn't my type ...
So I say of course:
'Huiwen, I don want that mah, den kena love him, one.' = 'Huiwen, I don't like him like that, so I don't love him.'
(I reverted back to the slang that we used when I lived with Kazzy.')
Her retort?
'You den love la.' = 'You're the one that loves him.'
D:<
D:<
What is up with that! I never wanted him in any way. He's fattish (meaning well-fed, but not UGLY) and he thinks of me like a sister.
So I got angry and shouted,
'Dun know oreddy lah! Why you so kum gong one?!'
('I give up trying to understand this! Why are you being so stupid and dense?!')
Which was totally the wrong thing to say ...
She went off on me in Mandarin, and all I caught was that I was being mean.
At which moment, I hung up on her.
:D
She didn't call back, but Jiajia called me ...
He said that he had talked to her and calmed her down, but told me that I should have called her kum gong, even though she deserved it ...
I also told him I had contemplated calling her ah pui (fat) but decided that calling her stupid (which she was being) made me feel far better ...
Jiajia says that I had a right to, but:
'She upset, one. Not good mood ... Say she not ah nia, and to be ah nia must be ai pee, ai chee, ai tua liap nee. Dun wanna be that.'
('She's upset. She's not in a good mood. She says that she's not pretty, and to be pretty, she has to be 'Want cheap, want pretty, want big breasts!' She doesn't want to be that.' ----> 'Want cheap, want pretty, want big breasts!' means that she has to be willing to want everything to be pretty.)
I mean, I totally understand that she's having issues and she doesn't want her bf to be taken by her best friend (because I totally steal boys from people!!) and that she's feeling ultra protective of Jiajia.
But, I mean, really. I wouldn't take him from her ...
She hasn't called me back yet but I did email her a nice long apology about calling her dumb, but I told her all of this, that I wouldn't want Jiajia like that, and how there's a guy here that I like that I am trying to get ... which won't happen D:.
ANYWAY.
IN OTHER ISSUES
I love living on campus away from all the hectic-ness at home. Pure love one.
Otherwise, I want some boys to hang out with D:
Too much estrogen wah lau lol.
But it's okay. Don't mind it a lot.
14 september 2007
7:34 pm dorm mood: bouncy
my first week of classes is over, not as hard as I thought ...
HOWEVER~! did bleach my hair to blonde again. gonna be red soon!
here are some blonde photos <33
12 september 2007
10:54 am dorm mood: 
anxious
SO LIKE i want fun hair right?
well monica, samantha, and I decided to dye it some fun colors.
(monica is going to do pink, samantha is doing either purple or blue, and i am doing either turquoise or green.)
however, we needed to bleach our hair to get all the old color out and make our hair more susceptible to the dye, for more color fast.
sooo we went to the walgreens and got some bleach.
monica was already blonde, and samantha was mostly blonde.
i, on the other hand, was blood red.
IT TURNED PUMPKIN ORANGE AFTER BLEACHING OMG.
it is soooo amazing!
i love it so much.
herrre are some fun photos.
big pimpin', ya'll.
07 september 2007
4:55 pm dorm mood: dirty
so I moved in to university wednesday.
it was pretty sweet. I really like my roomie and she is awesome.
i live on the first floor. love it like a rock star.
awesome girls live across from me, one right, and two on the left.
great friends i think!
we're already calling each other 'dirty pigs' and totally joking about it ....
Monica, Kathryn, Samantha, Samantha, Stephanie, Jennifer, and me! (Kayleigh).
And then there's Mie Kin that we hang with, and Jenny, my roomie, and my RA, Shannon (she is basically like our 'mom' on campus), and Mandy, our OL (Orientation Leader).
Also, Melissa in Seager across the road is AWESOME.
I live in Rall hall; to be specific RALL 1ST WEST.
WEST SYYYDE!
I'm all hooked up online and it is SMASHING, BABBBY~
So now photos. Check them ouuut!
Kathryn.
Kathryn being Marilyn Monroe on our Boat Dance in Chicago.
Kayleigh (me), Stephanie, Samantha
Kayleigh, Stephanie, Samantha, Monica, Samantha
Outside Rall 109.
Inside. I inhabit the right.
Desk.
Under Jenny's loft. Our mini kitchen.
My side of the dorm over my bed. Kagerou, Nightmare, 12012, the GazettE, Ayabie, Phantasmagoria, Reita of the GazettE. And Tsukasa the bear.
My bed. Lime green and pastels, only me. Tsukasa again. My bari and tenor saxes are under the bed.
27 august 2007
6:27 pm home, kitchen mood: hungry
going to university!
i bought my books.
TOTAL STICKER SHOCK.
$312 for three classes, and all of my books were used except for one.
however, that one will last for a while ...
this be what i'm taking so far this year:
HST 165 Introduction to East Asia
JPN 101 Elementary Japanese I
ENG 115 First-Year Writing
REL 100 Intro to World Religions
JPN 102 Elementary Japanese II
MTH 128 Finite Math
IDS 125 Freshman Seminar (Ethics)
JPN 103 Elementary Japanese III
NCC has a trimester schedule, so that's why i get to take so many~
I am excited!
♥ i got to go shopping. got all my school supplies and dorm stuff ... i'm also taking a lot of my room stuff that i have at home, like all my chopsticks and my sake set, and my tea set ...
♥ met a whole bunch of people going to NCC ... I can't waiittt to go to Red Noise practice with her.
♥ redyed my hair red. it's awesome right now while it's really bright but it'll fade within a couple days. pooh.
♥ i really want to go shopping! i have like 500USD to spend in my checkbook and it's burning a hole in my wallet ... but i can't, because i need to save it all for when i have an emergency at uni.
♥ got my books and schedule for uni! can't wait until i head off.
ALSO
i am going to be desperate at university.
you'll have to help me out!
write to me, send me something to brighten my day ...
I'll write you back!
email me and i'll give you my uni address!
09 august 2007
5:17 pm work mood: 
working
well hi!
have not been here for a while because i have been SICKENINGLY BUSY.
SICKENINGLY.
i was going to upload a whole bunch of stuff on Monday but got called in to work. and yesterday i was gone. and wednesday i worked, and i am working now.
well, in the laziest sense. i'm standing around eating quesedillas and making fun of my manager.
but i have had a whole bunch of STUPID
STUPID
STUPID
PEOPLE
come in and bother me.
i just had to answer the phone with a huge bite of quesedilla in my mouth.
'THANK YOU FOR CALLING ISLAND TRUE VALUE, JUST ASK RENTAL. THIS IS KAYLEIGH, HOW MAY I DIRECT YOUR CALL?'
pitiful.
and then, still with a mouthfull of food,
'ANDREW? HE'S WITH A CUSTOMER, PLEASE HOLD.' -click-
no speaking for you!
i hate talking to people.
or, when people go on long tirades about SHINGLES and color and roofing tar and all i can do is like:
'UM please hold for customer service~' -click-
which isn't my fault really.
AND HAHAHAHA Randy's (a guy i work with) his phone just rang and it was:
DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOOOOOOT
DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOOOOOOT
hahaha. and he was taking a Rug Doctor out for a customer and was just looking at him, then at me as I burst into hysterical laughter.
what.
it was fucking funny all right bitch?
(she was, too, all 'NO I DIDN'T PAY FOR THAT YET, I WOULDN'T BE HERE IF I HAD' at me about the Rug Doctor. fuck if i should know, most people pay in Rental for them ...)
my ringtone is totally better though.
it's either:
girl anachronism by The Dresden Dolls
GRIEF by Dir en grey
or
Ting Ma Ma De Hua by Jay Chou
way better than Randy's tones loller.
(everytime i look at him that is what i am going to hear now haha.)
a guy just bought like 18 bottles of wasp killer.
sucks to be him yeah?
i am so allergic to bees and whatnot it's ricockulous.
i hate them anyway, not a big deal haha.
i should get back to work.
oh. jrock haircut tomorrow.
01 august 2007
3:58 pm home, kitchen mood: angry
OMG THEY CAME~
the prints from a little photo shoot came today in the mail :D
you don't know how happy this makes me, it puts me in a MUCH BETTER MOOD
they need a little editing.
----------
i am in a very. very. bad. mood.
like you have no idea.
it's fucking almost 100F outside my house right now and i'm dying.
i still had to mulch this morning because my dad's a DOUCHE.
my back fucking hurts and i think i pulled something on that last wheelbarrow of mulch i did.
the dog shat on the floor right after i took her out and she shat outside.
the other dog ate my fucking ham sammich when i LEFT IT ON THE TABLE so i don't know how she got it.
i have to go to work AGAIN and i don't want to because i hate working. hate hate hate.
i just keep telling myself that i'm doing it for money.
money.
money.
of which i lack, and that pisses me off.
i want a shake and i can't have it because i have no money.
i'll probably take some from my dad's stash ...
it's like $400 in $20s for whenever i ask for money, which isn't that often
and it would be going to me anyway, bah
there's nothing to drink in this house.
milk, pop, and water.
i want some apple juice goddammit.
i'm sick of living here.
i want to go to college.
i don't want to listen to my mother.
(even though i know that she's right, can't tell her though)
aaargh.
i'm just tired ;-;
----------
so i went out with some friends, right.
we were having a good time, just hanging out.
i was wearing (and you need to know this, to get the rant)
my Dir en grey INWARD SCREAM shirt (the black one with the chick on it)
a white wifebeater under the tshirt
my graffiti jeans (they're covered in korean and japanese and drawings, lyrics, etc)
and black fishnet tights over pink and black socks
and my mock-chucks
topped off by my hat from Lolita Kisama, it's black with red plaid ears and a chain and some pins et cetera
we ended up in chicago and went to this little cafe we love
it's soooo cute, so awesome ...
i won't tell the name because i want it for myself.
but my group (there was maybe 5 of us, don't remember) sat in the back
because we're really loud sometimes lol.
i was in the back of the booth, facing the rest of the cafe
and this chick walks up to me and asks
'so, you're wearing a dir en grey shirt?'
(she pronounced it 'die-er unn grey')
and i replied
'yeah, i am ... they're my favorite band.'
'ohh' she said 'when did you start listening?'
'a while back'
i smiled
'how about you?'
(because the Dir family loves everyone. usually.)
'oh right after Withering to death. came out. so longer than you.'
-RAGE-
'excuse me?' says i. 'i started liste